When I was first asked to share my story of gender-based violence, I could not find the words. Fear took over. Fear of what might happen if my attacker ever saw this or heard me speak. Compiling this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done. I believed time had healed me, but I have learned that some wounds do not fade quietly.
How do you describe a reality that has followed you since childhood? How do you put into words what it feels like to grow up without protection, without being believed, without safety? I sometimes wonder what it must feel like to have a father who loves you, or a mother who believes you when you say that the person standing in front of you is the same person who raped and molested you.
Because I had no support growing up, I believed that life was the same for everyone. You cannot miss what you never had.
My name is Mary. I am a survivor of child sexual molestation, child rape, adult rape, emotional abuse, physical abuse, financial abuse, domestic abuse, abandonment, and gender-based violence. For three years of my life, I lived under the control of a violent narcissistic psychopath who broke me down piece by piece.
What is Gender-Based Violence?
Gender-based violence is a violation of human rights. It is violence directed at a person because of their biological sex or gender identity. It takes many forms.
Domestic violence is one of the most common forms of GBV and often occurs between intimate partners. It may involve physical violence or threats of violence, sexual assault, coercion, and intimidation.
Physical violence includes hitting, slapping, kicking, punching, pushing, and the use of weapons such as knives or other sharp objects.
Emotional violence includes verbal abuse, humiliation, constant belittling, manipulation, and control. It erodes a person’s self-worth, confidence, and sense of identity.
Economic violence involves controlling access to money, income, assets, or employment. A partner may prevent the other from working or may abuse their earnings.
Sexual violence includes rape, sexual assault, sexual harassment, sexual exploitation, and trafficking.
Femicide is the most extreme outcome of GBV and refers to the murder of a woman by an intimate partner.
My story is not worse than anyone else’s. We all suffer differently. What I want to highlight is that most abuse is committed by someone known to the victim, a family member, a partner, or a trusted person.
When my children were young, I locked the passage door at night when guests were in the house. I taught my children a password to use if they were ever in danger and could not speak freely. They were not allowed to sleep over at other homes. I taught them about boundaries, about consent, about what was wrong and what was never acceptable.
Thirty-three years ago, sexual abuse against women and children was not spoken about. You were told not to cause trouble, not to make a scene.
There is no such thing as a naughty child.
If a child cries constantly, if their behaviour suddenly changes, if they become rebellious, withdraw, wet the bed, fear the dark, refuse to visit a specific person, or seem constantly distressed, listen to them. Find a way to talk to your child. Watch closely. Protect them.
Monitor their online activity. Do not post your children’s photographs or videos on social media without understanding the risks. Be cautious with online gaming and platforms that allow anonymous contact. Observe behaviour. Ask questions. Get help.
My Experience of Violence
On 19 December 2018, I was physically attacked and almost strangled. We were sitting in my car outside a building. He read from the Bible and prayed. When he closed it, his tone changed. He grabbed me by my hair, pulled me back into the car, and began hitting me. When I screamed, he tried to cover my mouth. Then he tried to strangle me.
I screamed for help. No one came. One man eventually shouted from a distance, and in that moment, I managed to break free. I tried to stop passing cars, but no one stopped. I went to a nearby stranger and told him I had just been assaulted. He took my phone and car keys and walked back with me to my car. When confronted, my attacker said I was lying. He said I was unstable. The stranger left.
I do not know how I managed to drive home.
I went to a neighbour and asked for help because I knew my attacker would come to my house. I was terrified he would kill me. My neighbour drove me to the police station to report the assault and attempted strangulation. While I was on my way, my attacker followed behind us.
At the police station, my attacker arrived and stood next to me, claiming he wanted to lay a defamation charge against me. The officer handling the matter was not trained in domestic violence cases. I was told it was his word against mine. I insisted on opening a case. Eventually, after hours of waiting and intervention from a friend, victim support was called.
That night, my children searched for me for hours, not knowing where I was. The damage done to them in those hours will never leave me.
People often ask why I stayed. Why I did not leave sooner. Why I did not speak up. Would you really have helped? How many people see abuse happening and choose not to intervene because it feels uncomfortable?
What if you are right?
The court process took a year. I saw my attacker repeatedly. I was told I would not survive the trial. He was ordered to attend anger management. I was granted a protection order. I was given a warrant of arrest to carry with me at all times, a constant reminder of what had happened.
He continued to follow me. He drove past my house. He contacted my family. Even today, I still look over my shoulder.
Control and Fear
He controlled every aspect of my life. He monitored my phone, emails, and social media. He tracked my spending. He isolated me from people. He threatened my children. He destroyed my self-worth. He made me believe I could not survive without him.
Fear kept me there. Fear for my children. Fear of what he said he would do. Fear that no one would believe me.
He used intimidation, threats, weapons, and psychological control. He caused significant financial loss. He destroyed my sense of safety.
Leaving took planning. It took time. It took strength I did not know I had.
The Impact of GBV
Gender-based violence strips a person of dignity, autonomy, and identity. It affects physical health, mental health, relationships, work, and family. It leaves scars that are not always visible.
I have lived with post-traumatic stress disorder, depression, anxiety, and exhaustion. I have been hospitalised. I have struggled to function. I have survived days where suicide felt like the only escape.
But I am still here.
Closing
It took me longer than most to complete my studies. I did it while carrying trauma most people never see. I am proud to say that I completed my qualifications and became a financial advisor.
I am still healing. I am not fearless, but I am no longer hopeless. I am learning to live again. I am learning to trust myself. I am learning that survival itself is strength.
This is my story.
I share it so that someone else might recognise themselves and know they are not alone.
This story is shared for awareness and educational purposes. The name used has been changed to protect the identity and safety of the individual involved.
